i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
