Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
