My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
