Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
