we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
