i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
