Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
