This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
