Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
