you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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