drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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