My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
