I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
how does that bad decision feel?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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