sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
