Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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