He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
