my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
