Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
