I'm so fucking centered right now
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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