All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Randomize
