yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize