I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
