i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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