I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
please come you make the beer taste better
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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