I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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