Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
