I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
