I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
