So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
