Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
