Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
