Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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