I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
