I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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