Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
