If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
