stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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