Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
