Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
