I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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