piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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