They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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