I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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