my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
