I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
