I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
