Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
