Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
