I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
