Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
