I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Randomize
