I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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