her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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