the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just gargled with NyQuil
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
