If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
