I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
