i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
