I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i now understand why vodka
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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