Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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