Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
