you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
