This is the prime rib incident all over again
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
