my sisters under your porch take her home
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he laminated a picture of his dick.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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