I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
