Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize